fast as you can. shove it down and shut it up. no not now. no time. no space. no feeling. leave it there with the ash and dead roses. a filigree coo so faint. swallow down the fire. swallow down. now, yet never. listening, but not. a silent facade. oh so distant. not here, not now, can't be here anywhere now. but here. not you. not you too. i will not. i will not. choke it down. lock it up. never. no one. gone.

and when i do write truthfully, when i let myself, the words dont come. i censor myself. my hand does not want to write. it refuses to let any of it out. so far removed from my emotion, it's hard to say what is there anymore. all averaged out into a shallow disarray of numb.

oh, the pieces keeping me together. the small small pieces. i'll let them go when it is time. keep swimming, right?

dig down deep and bury it. we don't want to hear it. father not family. not listening. and it's always my fault. always. and i have to do better. always. not good enough. stand on your own. stop crying. knock it off.

and like a little girl, i give in and submit. the heirarchy remains. and i am numb.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL