days like these. not enough sleep and not enough sunshine in the world to break through this funk. the smiles on my wall taunt me. surely it is just a matter of time until my pint size love returns. a matter of time.

and in the meantime? i rant and rave and flit from nightlight to daybrood. smiles everybody, smiles. and the only answer is to suck it up.

well goddammit, i'm tired and i've had enough, and i don't fucking want to! i've had enough of this. when is it that I get to be taken care of? when is it that i get to have my love? "oh but it's there, just inside you..." yada yada yada.

i need rewiring. there are not enough pills in the world that will fix this. there is not a man out there that will be my saviour. there is no book or guru or therapist with the answer.

dig down deep and suck it up. my father, the sychophant he is, has been right all this time. and yet, i don't want to be a healthy, functioning, clog of society. that isn't me.

i don't suck it up, i whine. i whine to the point that i'm exhausted and then i get to the meat of it, and then i get the work done. reluctantly. bedgrudingly. efficiently. miraculously.

this is not unique, i am not special for this. everyone has their untold hardships. me, i'm just a bit more vocal. a bit more in your face about it.

proud of my scars and my history. i've made it so far. sometimes gracefully, but mostly not.

messy, loud, drama girl. GIRL. spoiled girl. princess and the fucking pea.

unless you have a small child and have been without him for a period of more than a month, you have no idea the gaping whole that it leaves in one's heart and one's life. we're going on 4 now.

there are not enough books, or parties, or drugs, or paintings or nature to fill it.

i need to get out of here. i need to run away again. i know this doesn't work but i need it. for my sanity.

and where to this time, glitter girl?

when i go to london in august i'll just stay. ha! what fairytales. yet, it wouldn't be the craziest move in my repetoire. far less dramatic then let's say...

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL