friday afternoon i came home and slept from 2:00 until 8:00. i think i stayed awake for a couple hours and then fell back asleep. woke up saturday morning around 10. got up and took a shower. went back to bed. got up and cleaned the kitchen. went back to bed. watched some tv. fell back asleep. finally around 4 i decided at least if i was at the sawi's i could do the lounging around other people. i spent an hour in the car. the time was a blur. i arrived at the house and assumed the position. on the couch, under a blanket, remote in hand.

last night i had the most awful dreams. jealousy in every form haunted me. my dad with a new woman not heather. the new woman was asian. i hated her. "just when i got used to heather!!" andrea was there and i was jealous of her. she wasn't my friend anymore but i wanted to be her, wanted her to be my friend. and over and over and over with matt. jealousy. such a sick feeling. such a sick feeling.

don't know quite how to combat it. how to accept it. other than to try and not fear it. but it is one of my deepest fears. if those who i love love someone else, they must not love me anymore. if i do not have the attention i am nothing. it makes me so sad to think of it. i don't want to think of it. i don't want to be betrayed and left alone. it is hard enough to stand on my own...but then in opposition of someone?

leave it. there is no one there, you are chasing shadows. there is no one there. this is not real. dreams, nightmares. don't dwell in the dark. don't give energy to it. it is not real. you are loved. you are special. there is nothing to fear.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL