and i realize again. it's not "me" that is freaking him out. it's the behavior. it's the crazy, thoughtless, selfish, dark, destructive behavior. it's freaking me out too. i'd not want to be around it. i don't want to be around it, in it, whatever.

i see the absolute truth in that. it is not me, it is this darkness that i'm letting get hold of me. i don't need to give my power to it. i don't need to flail helplessly to its whims. i ultimately have the power even if it seems that this other thing is controlling me. it is only having its way because i am LETTING it. i don't have to let it get the better of me. i don't have to let it ruin our friendship. i don't want that, it's not going to happen. i can take my power back and go down the path i know to be right.

and i'm doing that right now. by being here at work. by not crying. by helping those around me here at the office even it's just with a smile or a kind word.

and i will build up a stack of these small ways that will add up to a larger sense that i'm moving in the right direction. already through writing this morning i've been able to process through some of this. i have the power, i know what to do, i do not have to give into anything. i'm better than that, i'm stronger than that. of course i will be happy and move forward. i need not doubt it.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL