thank god i have my ANAD meeting tonight. i feel really out of it today. so tired. my eyes are enormously puffy. jeeze, if anything i should not cry because it makes me look as though i've been battered. some guy kept staring at me at Noah's. i couldn't quite figure out if he was checking me out or debating whether i needed to be rushed to the hospital. yeah, cuz you know those two looks are so similar. ha.

i went to B&N to buy a bible. I thought it couldn't hurt. I'm reading from other religions, why not this one too. Somehow my father thinks though that Christianity is the only one and true way. I can't believe that thousands of years of history with different cultures having their varied beliefs and there is only one that has any value to it and all the rest are hooey. I don't buy that. I find strength and wisdom in many traditions.

but anyway, i bought a new bible. i had one some time ago but it got lost in matt's house with his various rearrangings of book shelves and books. it's probably lost somewhere in the attic or at the dump. i wonder if he asked me if i really wanted that photo album back because he knew he wouldn't be able to find it. whatever. it's really cuz i don't have any pictures from that year of my baby except the ones that are in there. who cares. he probably lost it already anyway. as easy as it was for him to make the decsion that "i don't want a relationship". well my dear, it doesn't work that way. not with me. NOT WITH ME.

and, this is where I cut myself off. this is where i get swallowed back into the cyclical thinking, the obsessive thinking. the hell hath no fury like a woman scorned bullshit. give it a fucking rest. yes, i am still angry. yes, i think he should be a better man. yes, i think he needs to change and grow up and and and.

but i can't make him love me if he doesn't. i can't force this. it won't work. so i get to just be here by myself to deal with all of this residual madness and he doesn't even want to hear about it. "cuz i'm too stressed". because it's not healthy. because it's abusive. well, what exactly was healthy about bowing out. having a seemingly great summer and then "oh, i think we need to break up." bad move man. bad fucking move.

he gets to have his way just like every other fucking time in his life because he's an overbearing control freak who thinks everybody should bend to his whims. "on my terms" jeezus, even his family has to hop and skip around his little diversions. because he's a cocky arrogant asshole who thinks he can run the fucking universe. well darling, i am your problem and you will never rid yourself of me. never.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL