what the hell am i going to do with myself? see, this is a problem, i have too many idle hours in the day to THINK, and brood over certain things that it just drives me crazy. you see, given enough time, i will come up with a reason to be upset. and given that i work all day in an office where i cannot focus on work, which is not all that busy or taxing, i have HOURS to ponder shit.

oh for example...la dee da, just working away, filing or some crap, when BAM, out of the blue the thought of M. sleeping with other people jars my mind. what, what? but he's busy, he has no time for that. yeah, but if the band starts gigging there will be lots of girls around. but they're hos! so, you hate them, you hate anyone who touches what you think is yours. yeah, well i'll just be there at every show to make sure it doesn't happen. and then he will hate you. well, okay, it would get old seeing them play anyway. (of course it wouldn't).

shit. fuck. shit. fuck. shit. fuck. the fact of the matter is that i cannot control anything he does. he could be off fucking someone right now and I couldn't do a damn thing about. the thought makes me physically sick and i'm starting to cry. THEN DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!

but, but, but. does it really matter that much? sure it does. but is it really worth getting upset over? but i can't help it. well, as long as you don't know about it.

he can't have another girlfriend!!!! not now, not ever. there will be blood...

okay there skipper, slow down. what if you, in all your womanly glory, find someone better than he is, would you still hate "her"? YES. okay, but wouldn't you be happy for him, if you were happy too? um, no, well, okay, maybe.

do you see how crazymaking this is?!

to sum things up, i don't think i will ever be okay with him with another person. even if i was with someone else. i'm just that protective of my territory. once you start talking to a woman about babies and marriage and then you leave, all bets are off for ever expecting to be happy with another woman. that is just the way it is. because karma and the universe will fuck with you back until the wrongs are righted.

well, with that final note, i feel a little better. can't argue with the laws of the universe, right?

i'm going to go cry now.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL