i was going to write something but now i've forgotten. it must not have been terribly important or prolific then. or, if it was, it'll come back.

i am terribly tired and want to sleep for a week. and yet i have a strange energy running through me. not quite hyper, not quite nervous. but there is something there. the last time i distinctly felt this way was when i was in the hospital. in and out of it rather. i remember being around people and feeling absolutely mad. i felt inside my head that i was crazy. well, not exactly crazy, but that is how i felt. because it was when i came to the conclusion that i could not, absolutely could not continue on with my life doing what i was currently doing at the time. and that scared the hell out of me and made me feel crazy because nothing was going to be quite the same. yes, it was for the better, but I was so used to my behaviours that kept me safe that i felt naked without them. but that transition time didn't last horribly long. once i started relearning how to live things got easier.

so, this is the same thing now. i'm challenging myself to change my thinking and the way i view myself. well, it has been pretty comfortable for many years to stay the way i was. so of course the change is going to make me feel anxious. and that is not bad, it is just part of the process. it won't last forever. i'll settle into my new head and be just fine.

and it is such a strange thing to begin with. to think that my thought process has been skewed all this time. and like whoops, here we go, let's just change all these things we think we know and have accepted as fact. well, they are not fact. and i will decide for myself. quite exciting really. hey!!! exciting, the similar yet different side of feeling anxious. i'm so proud of myself for getting from one to the other.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL