I can't believe I've never seen it before in terms so simple. Do I want to be happy? It's not a state that any pill will be able to bring. It's not something I've ever really considered. It has seemed throughout my life that I've had no other option but to be sad, because that is what I knew, that is how it had always been. I can't remember back to a time when I was "happy". Either that or my head is just not choosing to remember those times.

So I can be happy or I can have Matt (or the longing for him) and be unhappy. Is there really a choice? Why would I want to have something that makes me sad? I should think better of myself than that. I should deserve better than that. How did I get so ingrained with the thought that I am not good enough to be happy? Where did that notion come from? I have to look deeper and find out where exactly those issues spawned. If I can pinpoint it and make peace with it I can move on. But even before that I can be happy and good enough within myself just because I am.

The first person that comes to mind is my mom. Her fear that because I am a girl people would want to molest me. Because I'm pretty people would want to hurt me, or they're jealous of me. Instilling a fear of men into me. That it is somehow my fault that I am pretty. I would have not come to any of these conclusions had she not planted the thoughts in my head. And then there is the outright abuse, physically, emotionally, verbally. I cannot even begin to explain it. I don't want to think back on it. Suffice it to say, I had a lot of negative programming. There is a lot to be said for the effect a comment can have on a small child. Especially when those sentiments are repeated in various forms ad nauseum.

Okay, so there. But I'm not the bad person my mother made me out to be. I'm not horrible. I'm good.

I am good.

At the core, I am good. On the surface, I am good. I am not bad. I am not evil. I am not going to hell.

I am good. I am loved. I am happy because I choose to be. I am beautiful. I am brilliant. I am crafty. I am caring.

It may seem cheesy but I have to reassure myself of all of these things. I need to reprogram all of my negative images of myself. The negative images which are not fact or truth, but the distortions built up over many years. Like pulling off a mask and revealing the true creature.

I have to stick with this. I am happy. Even if I am not totally feeling it, I need to stay the course. I am happy because I want to be. Because I am worthy of it. Because I am Joy, and there is much to celebrate in that.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL