There is so much here to be done that has nothing to do with Matthew. Things I need to face, work I need to do, progress I need to make. Within myself, reconcile. Put my demons to rest and heal my wounds. Not all at once of course, bit by bit. It is quite a task. It will entail looking even closer, even deeper, at how and why I tick. It is a good thing I have a couple months without baby boy. I want to go home and sleep.

It's almost as if I've been clinging on to the shell of our relationship because I haven't wanted to face up to the real issue. If all I concentrated on was how upset and devestated I was over him, there could be no progress made on myself, and the negative forces within me wanted that. Wanted the stagnation and the brooding. It is that part of myself that creates mechanisms to ensure it's survival. If I am happy, it can no longer exist. Well, not exactly. But if the lighter side of me takes over and runs the show, the darker side will have to be relinquished to the small box that the lighter side had previously occupied. And the darker side doesn't want that, it wants to preserve itself in all its depressed and crying glory. It is comfortable in its misery, thank you very much, and it doesn't want to leave. Well...I'm here to kick it's ass to the curb. I will not be controled anymore by presumptious, false thoughts.

I deserve better than that. I do not need to be a slave to the remnants of my negative thought processes. Letting the light in will banish the darkness.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL