i did my three morning pages already. it's nice to have to write something long hand. i've spent a lot of time lately just writing directly into this blog since it seems like it saves time. but my morning pages are not for public viewing, i'm not even supposed to go back and read them until much later. it is a very good book, and i think i will be very successful with it. i think that it'll actually be more effective in the long run than going to my therapist. my therapist, who doesn't really seem to challenge me much, or give any real ideas or assignments. she just sits and listens to me bitch, every once in awhile throwing in a comment that is so obvious. i can't go to her anymore anyway, my insurance changed. plus i can use the $30 copay to do something nice for myself. or maybe even save it.

i realized while writing this morning that i need to concentrate on loving myself. i need to be really selfish and do all the things that i really want to do right now. especially while baby boy is gone. find a deeper strength in myself. find that core and stick with it. be my own stalwart bastion. this is where i need to be putting my energy. not in worrying about things i have absolutely no control over. i've given it up. given it up in the sense that it is in God's hands, and i can give my fear and worries to Him. And just trust and have faith while praying for patience and strength. if i let go and submit to His will, i will be rewarded. if i buck and try and fight for my own way, it will lead to more of the same unproductive strife. amazing, how these things my dad drummed into me my entire childhood have come back and are crystal clear. i did retain the goodness he instilled in me. i am the blessed Joy he knows me to be. i have spent too much time trying to disproove that. in a way going against my namesake. but there is no getting away from it. i am a joy. i am beautiful, inside and out, i am a loving, cheerful, inspired creature. this is my challenge. continuing on with these affirmations without discounting them. without saying i am not worth them. because i am. and it just occured to me what a foreign notion it is that i could possibly "love myself". or even like or approve of myself. girl, you a beautiful thing!

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL