still awake. calmed down slightly after a xanax. tired but i don't want to sleep. listening to coldplay has a calming effect as well. if i wasn't so cold and lazy and afraid to run into my roommate i'd go downstairs to make tea. i still haven't smoked but i will in a bit.

now i am numb. now i am not thinking at all. now is when stupid things happen. now is when i need talking down. now is when i tell everyone to fuck off, leave me alone. this is my chaotic stupor and there is nothing anyone can do about it. although i wish to christ there was something someone could do, especially if that someone was me.

these episodes are getting closer together. i want to disappear. and of course talk like this won't bring me the help i need, but will just further push people away.

i want another life. i don't want this. i don't want to be a freaking model. i don't want to be busting my ass forever. i so badly need to rest. i need some sun, i need to relax, i need to get away. i need my love.

i need hapiness. and this is so hard, so hard. my life now seems too much. i want out.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL