i am so sick of this. it seems i am perpetually tired and out of sorts. the end of each day plays out the same. all i want is a drunken stupor. except i don't drink.

and i feel like i am here on borrowed time. i never thought i'd make it beyond nineteen. i feel ancient. and i want to give up. i don't want this. nothings seems to be helping. i want to rest.

the consistency of each day is driving me to madness. on the surface i keep a straight face, a semblance of sanity. but below a small furnace rages. and sometimes it's too hard to keep at bay.

and again my child asks, "why are you sad?" and my heart nearly bursts. i feel as if i'm suffocating on my emotion.

none of it is enough. and i am alone. and only i am here to fix me. but i can't. i need help but there is no one to. i want to get this over. end it. nothing seems to matter much when you cannot reach out to those who should know you best. it's all an illusion. a farce. nothing to believe in.

and this is just one of many suicidal days i'll have. added to all the rest.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL