my apprehension has turned to mind numbing fear. okay, not quite, but nearly. to put it plainly, i am burnt the fuck out. certainly, we all have our issues and challenges we face. i am not self-centered enough to think i am the only one. but my goodness! i'm at a bit of a crossroads and i don't know which way to go. i feel like alice. "i don't really mind where I go, as long as i get somewhere." "well, then it doesn't much matter which way you go," says the chesire cat.

yes, i want things to be different from the ad nauseum boredom of the office and the day after day struggle and absolute exhaustion of a full day of work and dealing with my over tired child. it must be exhausting for him to be in school all day. i'm sure he has fun, but i don't know that the constant busyness is good. it seems that we are all always "on". even when i'm at home after work, it seems there is always an endless stream of tasks to complete with never enough time or energy for them.

but at the same time, i don't really want to be high end model girl. i don't want to be pounding the pavement everyday schlepping around for work. consistently trying to sell myself to people. hire me! pick me! worrying about how much i weigh, am i thin enough, am i tone enough, am i good enough? i don't know that i really need that extra stress. i have a hard time with all that as it is. sure, if i was single and didn't have a child to take care of, i could be a little more reckless and take a chance on it. but dammit, i need a steady income. i can't be hedging a bet on my physical appearance and whether or not the "clients" will want me.

and my head seems to be fucked up lately. adding medication, changing it again. will probably be put on adderall or something (if i'm lucky). i can see the world of modeling exacerbating all of this. shit, if i need a pill just to get up out of bed to sit in an office...what the hell will i need for the energy to put myself on the market and sell my face? not to mention actually perform in front of a crew of people.

sure, it might be "fun" - but at what price?

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL