i must say that it is quite a relief to vent all this repressed anger and hurt rather than keeping it down for the sake of being nice and ladylike. fuck that. i'm pissed off and the sooner i get it out of my system the sooner i can get on with it.

of course i know that i may be remembering things as i saw them. what i can remember quite clearly is that it was not my decision and i was a reluctant party. i could see the supposed value of striking out on my own but did not think it was neccesarry to break all ties. i still don't think that is neccessary. i could be quite happy seeing him once a week or every other, having dinner, a nice roll in the sack, at least to keep things somewhat in line with the path they should be. isn't that what grown up people who are not completely attached do? they date, right? what the fuck is wrong with that? that was what we had in mind when i first moved out. our own lives, but also together but not so serious and not so intense with me clinging to him for my very being. the room would give us a chance to grow while still being together. but now the difference seems to lay in the fact that he wants to have the supposed "freedom" to fuck around with other people. which is completely ridiculous. why the fuck would he need to fuck around with sleazy hood rats when he has quality with me? fucking bullshit male ego. well honey, good fucking luck with that endeavor. i'm sure they'll be knocking his door down.

i would be completely fine with a casual relationship. but apparently he wants nothing to do with it in any form. which seems like absolute horse shit to me.

you cannot be the "catalyst" in a woman leaving her husband, be the secondary father figure to her son, talk of having a business together, building a life, having children, etc. etc. for nearly three years. And then just, oops, change your mind. That is fucking cowardice. That is what a child does when faced with a challenge. Not the actions of a man with any respect or value for his so called love. That is shirking responsibility to a family. Which whether he sees it that way or not is what we had. What we were.

So here I am, nearly twenty four, with two failed psuedo families under my belt. And he expects me to want to date and find yet another man to fullfill my dream of family? I think fucking not. I do not have the energy for another round of this shit. I want the family I had back thank you very much.

But sure, I'll try my hand at sleeping around since that is what is expected of people my age. Not that I have the slightest interest in it to be honest. It's a waste of fucking time. I'm better off by myself with porn, for all it's worth.

And the people I've met so far are either boring, gay, or ugly. Mostly gay, mostly boring. I have insanely high standards, but I should do because I am insanely gorgeous, intelligent, talented, kind (usually when I'm not ranting) etc. I deserve the very best.

And I had the best until he got this stick up his ass. Whatever.

So whatever. But there will be a time that that stick will come loose. We shall see what happens then.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL