as if in a dream, i woke. bleary eyed and guilty. was that outburst really neccessary. this is the hard part. this is the darkness that still lingers. this is the discontent. when irrational thoughts consume me. and i think strange things like, "i'll at wait till after he goes home to england." and drive away to never be found again.

this is the legacy that haunts me. the history that never quite fades away. i am not completely in its grips but at times it comes by suprise and pulls me down. into the depths. and no amount of medication or therapy seems to combat it. my years in the dark.

i know the right path to take but sometimes i lose my way. bogged down by the drudgery. enraged by the unknown.

i hate the term ex-girlfriend. it brings bile to my mouth. it is a slap in the face. it in no way sums up the importance of what has come and gone. it in no way has any relevance to ME. i am much more than that. i am a queen.

and goddammit. it pisses me off that he does not seem to get that he has a debt of responsability to my child. he was a secondary father figure for 2 out of the three years of his little life. to not own up to that is cowardice. a boy does such things, not a man.

it is much too early for so much thought. i have only so much energy for it. for this life. i am so alone and it sickens me. i cannot count on my family. i cannot count on my "friends". i need help and there is no one there to reach out to.

this is akin to standing on a roof and thinking i can jump. this is akin to lying outside in the cold, hoping for hypothermia. this is three steps removed from chugging all the pharmaceuticals i can get my hands on.

don't tell me how good i have it. i don't want to hear it. because you are not in my head. you are not haunted by what i hear and see and feel.

today i'm fucking crazy. today i feel like shit. yet still, like any other monday, i have to go to work. and do the same mindless bullshit i always do. and work with the same draining, misanthropic louts i always do. which really helps with my outlook.

i need to "snap" out of it, like my father has always said. but he is never there when i need him. he never has been. he has his new family now, my brother and i are just remnants of a mistake he made a long time ago. that is what chris thinks anyway. and it sounds about right.

where can i find my strength? when there is not even a friendly shoulder to cry on. when i can't even get a hug when i need it.

bear down and pull myself out of it, like i always do. on my own.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL