i was driving home. and I don't know quite what triggered it. the thought of wanting another baby. the knowledge that i will be twenty nine in five years. the anger toward matt for breaking up our family. and it was a family. and it is so hard to let go of something so sacred.

so fuck it. i will start a new campaign. onto greener pastures. and you will be fucked up when i find someone better. and you will hurt as much as i do now and worse.

i am unstable today and should not be taken seriously. but i want you to hurt like i do. i want you to feel what it is like to be a woman, with a child, alone in the world. the only options open to me to go off hunting for a husband. or to go running back to what i know would be a sure thing. run away to england. run away.

and i am not being melodramatic. because the facts are the facts. i have no family to speak of. i do not have a traditional education. i am in a good position at the moment. but daily i dread the monotony of my work. each day is a weight around my neck. i may be "beautiful" but that only gets you so far when you are trailing another man's son.

sure, i will find someone, i am sure of it. but it sickens me to think of the search. i would almost rather give up my boy to his father and become a transient. a traveler without home or allegience.

i hate this world we live in. i hate being a woman in it. i hate that the only way i can make it through each day is with my little pills that prop me up. some prescribed, some not. i hate that they are not working well enough. to keep me together. to keep me from falling apart. they work more or less. i am okay more than less. but the times when the light exposes the dark...it is still ugly and unbearable. and i mask it well. i keep the demons at bay. but it is such a struggle and makes me so tired. i want to rest.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL