my baby is home. but not so much a baby. such a strong accent and strong will. poor sweetie wonders where our old house is. he said he needs to go there. he needs to go now. everything is so much different - for the both of us. will we ever again find the clear? i wish too we could go back. back where exactly? back to what? the only way is forward. to the unknown ahead of us. just keep swimming. baby baby. curl into bed and pull up the covers. here we are together.

and such a change. my life of the past two months has been much too fast. i am neither here nor there. and my friends are of use only to a point. only to a point. honey i need you. i need my family of friends. with or without promises. with or without time.

ah, but i am steely. repeat this. i am steely. too busy. keep busy. and no one will need me either. work. build. create. whatever that means. for whatever it is worth. just as i have convinced myself of things in the past i will do so now. i need no one.

i wish this was true. i wish desperately i could buy it. but i am still, at times, such a little girl. i need love, if only a bit.

yet again, i say, i don't need anyone. i am stronger than this. i am stronger than this. "oh, you're just tired." yes, this may be the case. but the feelings don't appear spontaneously just when i need sleep. they are there, rooted deeply, hidden below. coming to the surface when i am too weak to stifle them.

smiles everybody, smiles. pose and preen. play the part. make the moves. i know my lines. i play it well. mahal.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL