war

3:45 PM

wow... i'm really at a loss...there's a solution here. an answer. this shouldn't be rocket science. i need a) a lawyer and b) money with which to pay the lawyer.

this is getting beyond fucking ridiculous. my baby is being held ransome over $700. and apparently i owe a nebulous $800 to ass fuck in additon.

i've had enough of this shit. i will take his ass to court and he won't have a fucking leg to stand on in defense. technically i think he's supposed to be arrested if he enters the country as he gave up his green card.

i will not be fucked around with like this. that child is more mine than his. no, seriously, even though it was planned, he was a fucker about it up until the day he figured out that he could use that child as a social in, a control mechanism, something to fill his empty life.

it will get better. i just have a lot more work ahead of me. a lot. A LOT. i've said it before...no one fucks with me, he's a damn fool for forgetting that. i am stronger than he will ever be, even with his 13 year senority. i am quicker, smarter. i will break him down further until it is understood that i will not stand for this bullshit.

and i'm not fucking leaving my life here to move to england. my child is coming home.

to those, my adversaries,

I keep no sense of acquital.

your's will never be what is.

the malice of my menace

here to grip

your rafters, grifters.

toppled.

no question,

i sank. mud around ankles,

my armed citizenry

screaming.

-WAR-

yours, terrified; weeping, sputtering.

once, was not enough

- again -

you will submit.

fuck

12:42 am

of course i've not gone to sleep yet. ive had an attack of reality that's brought me to my knees. the emptiness of my house. the vagrant i've become. and i don't know yet when he's coming home. and how strong i was on the phone with his sweet voice chirping in nearly another language. and then i hung up and collapsed.

i'm tired. so tired. of working. of acting. of playing my part. but goddammit i've been mis-cast cuz this ain't me. and one of the few people who does know, doesn't have the time.

so i smile and i please. because it is expected of me. because my other sides are too much for some people to take. because its my fucking job. but i'm not getting paid for this.

i'm depressed as all fuck and i want to scream. and if another person mentions the words "pity" or "feeling sorry for yourself" i'll kick their fucking ass.

and it fucking pisses me off that i can't call my best friend in the middle of the night anymore. even if it is an emergency. which it is. and what the hell can be so pressing as to miss my birthday.

this isn't my life but it is. i can't escape it. i can't fix it. i can't put it back the way it was. so what then... so what then... "make lemonaid". fuck lemonaid. but thats what i'll do because it's all i can.

i want my love back.

2:20 am

okay, so some people just dont answer their phones at 1 am. (reasonbably so) however, i was not going to let that deter me as i was in the middle of, well, a major freak out.

so i went over at 1 am and woke that fucker up. a total of 5 blocks. after much hyperventilating and some waking up on his side, enough was communicated so that i can sleep tonight. we are friends and will always be for some time to come. everyone is busy. always. i, of all people should understand that. so he got his hour of joy hysteria in the middle of the night instead of over lunch, deservedly. oh fuck, well at least i'm calmed down enough to go to sleep. and my ailment has been narrowed down. like i said, one of the few people who actually knows me.

i need to do everything in my power to be with my baby boy. end of story. sleep would help too.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL