i woke up with a bee in my bed this morning. one's initial response might be, "dear god, a bee!!!" and start flailing in a panic. but it was a nice bee and it didn't sting me.

i have now been in my new home for all of three nights. it is absolutely fabulous. within walking distance there is a divine place where one can procure a delectable pizza...and lo...next door resides a liquor store. not just any liquor store...but one which carries grey goose. oh happy day. the chinese food on the other side ain't so bad either. and if you happen to be in the mood for picking out your own crab or lobster whilst they unknowingly swim about, there's a place for that too. who knew North Berkeley had such wonderous things in the space of two blocks....ah, not to mention the organic market. and the boutique-y florist across the street. and the garden center. AND there's a cafe with a secret garden across the way. and down from all of this is a park w/ a track to run around. because ya know, i do sooo much running. thhpt.

i'm eating apple pie for breakfast. still in the pie tin. yuuummmm.

it's come to my attention as of late that i have a strangely distinct affect on people. i'm still coming to understand it. because the reactions are so similar. it's almost eerie. verse by verse, measure for measure. it's not like a one off thing, i'm starting to notice a pattern here. how is it that i fit so many people's idea of happy? i even try to work against it if at all possible, yet to no avail. i'm rarely my own happy yet others have such an affinity for me. and yet, and yet, strangely enough....

i don't want to think about it because i know exactly what it is and it scares the holy hell out of me.

i gotta tell ya though, based on the above, M. is going to have a hell of a time winning me back. that is if that is even on the agenda. hope is a disgusting, foul, unproductive tease. i loathe that i cannot completely remove that part of my psyche and heart that involves him. it's all so intertwined still. well, it is and it isn't...but in my head it is. and there's the rub.

"why?!!" i scream to the gods in horror and dismay.

sure girlie, your life will go on. just not in the manner in which you had become accustomed. rug pulled out from under my feet and dreams flown out the window. starting from scratch. leave it behind. how many times have i had this conversation with myself, with others. it grows tiresome.

i certainly won't avoid moving to england on his behalf. even if he asked me to stay. not that it would happen. but i wouldn't. just to spite him.

*oh cry, oh sadden*

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL