all over the place i am. not nearly here nor there. everywhere all at once.

amazing how many new people i've come into contact with over the past few weeks. it's wonderful to have fresh blood to be around.

troubling how little i can focus. i don't want to focus. i want to watch it as it plays out. no motives, no agendas. stepping back and letting it wash over me. the confusion, elation, sadness, lust, anger, anticipation, humour, strength. watch as it ebbs and flows. breathe. observe.

and yet there are doubts. should i be...? what if...? i don't know...

And there is nothing to be done about that except to quietly coax them into safety. living off faith, trust and pixie dust.

do the work. step up. know the truth.

i am better than anything else he could ever imagine to find. i'm not just another silly woman. i have power, and more than he does. i have a strength he will never posess. an insight and compassion that he may never be capable of attaining.

and it is ultimately his loss.

there won't be another chance for him to find love. the universe doesn't reward people who are so careless with the gifts they are blessed with.

you WORK at it if you love someone. you make room. there is no excuse for "nah, this is good for you, i don't want to be a bad boyfriend". yes, lovely sentiment but not fucking good enough. You love someone you WORK through it. You love someone, you make time.

The bottom line is that he loves his ego and his music and his business more than he loves me. Otherwise, he would MAKE it a priority to love me. He would work for it.

i would never say to someone i love, "no, sorry, i don't have time for you. i care, but you're just not important enough...all my other stuff is. nope, sorry christopher, don't want you to live with me, it's an inconvenience, mommy's got other things to take care of and pursue."

oh darling, don't take it so personally. you know it is for the best. look how far you've come. look how much you've grown. you need not be so angry, you don't care anymore, remember?

no, the love is gone. the past is done. i no longer hold out hope. i am starting to hate him. i don't know that i can forgive him.

hypocrite.

and i still do not understand myself or my myriad of contradicting emotions. i want to wipe him entirely from my memory. i wish he had never existed. i truly do wish i had never met him for all the pain this has caused. i want to scream. i want to freak the fuck out. i want him to lose everything.

he was so careless and immature to not know the weight of his words and his intentions. as a man of his age, how the fuck can you let yourself say those thigns to a woman unless you're going to follow through on them?!

path of least resistance my ass. i take it personally because it is personal.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL