i was thinking about something and can't quite make sense of it.

so M. told me about how he posed as my friend Antoine in emails to see basically if I would cheat on him.

okay, so i've posed as other people in emails. but it was to FUCK with people, it was malicious.

i can't help but think he was at the very least very misguided. but then it makes me think, jeeze, can i ever trust him about anything?

"yeah, but that was so long ago." uh huh, and...?

it just seems kind of twisted. we don't need twisted. we need honesty. we need trust. i hope he's beyond all that. creeps me out.

sure, i got a little OCD looking up that biotch's yearbook. but that was really just a morbid curiosity. a self-hating action that hurt me more than anyone else. plus i was under the impression that they had gone out. wait, that would be another lie. and that one was to shield his male ego and to lash out at me.

yes, it's all in the past. i'm just trying to make sense of it. put it into some sort of perspective. to understand it and forgive him if i can.

i've done my boy who cried wolf-esque routine to the point of exhaustion, as far as trust goes, i've not been earning it much lately.

but we don't need to be tallying up who did what when, to see who was hurt the most, to see who was at fault. we both did things we aren't proud of. we both are moving towards being better people.

i'm just trying to understand it if i can. i'm going back through my journals from that time, from the beginning to the present to see if there is anything to learn there. i did notice something significant. when we first met, i wrote. then there was a gap of almost a year until i started writing again. and that was when i started restricting so all the writing was really just lists of food i ate and calorie counts. that was pretty much when things went downhill.

i lost myself in him.

if i'm ever to be able to be good for another person i need to have my own identity and not sacrifice it. ever.

i need to be accepting of his goals and dreams and not feel threatened by them.

yeesh, and all that comes with self love. knowing and believing in myself and my goodness. i kick ass. i am a beauty. i am lovable and loving. i am sweet and caring. i am fiesty. i am persistant. i have a brilliant mind. i am strong, dammit! i need not fear anything.

having my quiet time will lead to that. the more time i spend with myself, the more secure i will be. the less likely i will be to ever let myself go again.

i think really i've never loved myself and put my true needs above all else. i was always dependent on other people to show me who i was, to listen to what they thought of me.

it's time to stand up. and i have already. i've come along way.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL