okay, so no more of it. he was reading my blog because he was freaked out by me, not because he had a lingering infatuation with me. funny how i can make up assumptions in my head to fit my picture of reality. well, wake up. that is not reality. and i know what it is. and i need to start doing what i know i need to do rather than running from it.

last night before i drove down there i wrote this:

As I walked up to my front door this afternoon I thought, "once i get to the point where I find I don't need him, I'll find someone else, then he'll see." What a sad thing. I already know that I don't need him. And I have found someone else. And she's me. And I'm quite happy with me because I'm always here. I'll never say to myself, "no, sorry, can't come to dinner." My company is exceedingly more fulfilling. Especially now. I may just assume he doesn't exist. And I am here. And I am fine. And I don't "need" him. I just thought I did. All that I will ever have want for can be found inside Joy. Because I am everything. I am whole.

And something about writing that just freaked me the fuck out. The part of me that is comfortable and used to this pain said, "Nooooooo!!! You will not be happy!" And I listened. I was afraid. I ran back to the hurt with open arms. And it didn't help that I still held out this strange hope that I could convince him otherwise.

Not the way to go about things. The best thing for me is to concentrate on making things better for me. Respect the space and love myself. It sounds absolutely cheezy and trite but it's what i need to do.

I still woke up this morning absolutely furious. Crying. Going back and seeing what I missed. Wanting him to lose everything he has now to see what it feels like to have a dream crumble. And then I talked to my dad and he straightened me out. "um, yeah you need to stop this." Make a clean break emotionally and let God decide what is right for you. Trust in Him and what He has promised. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge him , and he shall direct your paths."

I need something to believe in. Why not this? Looking to others who are not infallible hasn't worked. Feeling afraid and alone has not either. The strength is there in me. I need to believe in that. I need to believe that I will be provided for. I need to believe that there is a plan that I have no control over but that will ultimately bring me happiness. Stop fighting the flow and go with it.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL