it would also behoove me to make progress. if i don't, and i continue in my childish manner, M. won't stick around for it either. just as i won't stick around for his hoo-ha if he doesn't change.

it's not like he's completely without fault. he has room for improvement and growth too. i have been understanding for his need for time and space. but jeezus, there comes a certain point when obsessively working becomes unhealthy. sure, be busy and successful. but working too hard while isolating the people who are supposed to be friends leads to one not having any friends. i'm sure even knox, at some point, could get fed up enough to leave. M. needs to find a BALANCE. one can be productive and effective with projects and business and such, but if one doesn't have enough forsight to give time to one's family and friends, the net result will ultimately be lonliness and isolation. "but i don't need anyone." yes, and this coming from a person who is a natural performer. the performer needs the attention of an audience to feel validated. but if the audience disappears, where does that leave the performer?

it is purely out of selfishness and immaturity that he cannot do the work to grow into a being evolved enough to have that balance. yeah, he's busy. yeah, he has great wonderful things planned, money to make, a house to build. but to focus only on that, having blinders on to everything else, is simply not healthy. it's not good for the person and it's not good for the tribe surrounding the person.

it's alot like my own issue of "i want to do what i want, and i don't care how it affects other people". well shit, that just ain't right! "yeah, but that's why we broke up." dude, fuck that. that is a lame excuse for not being open to growth. there is an opportunity here for growth. whether he takes it or not is for him to figure out. otherwise, it'll be just like me, not learning, and making the same mistakes over and over again, simply because "I" don't want to do change.

realizing in myself, what I need to do, makes it easier to see why he acts the way he does. we are both selfish, immature, and have a stubborn self-will.

and even though he keeps doing this, and it hurts, i'm still there. "why, why?!," one might ask? well shit, because i love him and he's in my heart. and i'm of the mind that family, friends, people in your tribe, stick with each other through thick and thin. otherwise, what is the point of this life?

money, status, objects, property, fame, are all external ways we please our egos. especially today, in a world so obsessed and overun with material fodder. it seems so difficult to find the truth within ourselves. some people never get there. and that truth is that none of those external things have depth or real value. they are what man has created to fill the void left by a lack of a sense family and community. what really is there that is more important than our relationships for those we care for?

okay, off my soapbox. so okay, neither one of us is more at fault for our current situation. we're both sorting out our own vices, which coincidentally seem to be pretty similar. it would only be fair that we both make the effort to learn and grow from this time.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL