toe the line. always seem to step right up to test the boundaries. i've always had a problem with boundaries, namely, not having any. speaking without thinking, acting without considering the effect. impulsive. and also seemingly oblivious to what is proper conduct. i've never cared before. whatever, fuck it, who cares. well, i do now. yet the instinct to create distance between myself and others by setting myself up for rejection still comes into play. it's a gut reaction. my default setting. i am in the process of reprogramming the behaviours which create problems for me.

when i was younger i never had a positive example of how men and women interact with each other. watching my mom, it was always heated, tragic, raging. now, as an adult, through trial and error, i have to figure it out on my own. an "adult". that word doesn't even seem to make sense to me. i still feel unstable and insecure in a certain respect.

i am growing, i am learning, this is certain. it is a constant process.

in some ways i think i am trying too hard. instead of letting things flow at the rate the universe wants, i'm imposing my will on the situation and in turn, i prolong the process. like trying to swim against the tide rather than with it. trying too hard, placing too much meaning on certain words, looks, insignificant "signs" i think i see. trying to find meaning in a pebble, when, after all, it's just a pebble. i am stunting my own growth by thinking i know what a situation needs, when i don't. i'm doing what i want, not what the universe has planned for me. instead of letting go and trusting in the process, i'm trying to speed it up. but by doing that i'm slowing it.

and i guess i put too much on today. made too big of a deal out of it. since we hadn't hung out in awhile, i was so intent on having things go well. so i did my hair, actually put on makeup, got cutesied up. made freaking cookies!! (okay, i'm not that off my rocker, they were from trader joe's premade dough). like me! want me! love me! my insecurities, my need for validation getting in the way. and here is matt, the poor guy, barely can function on a social level because he's stressed out and overtired and in a completely different head space. he is so consumed with his projects and his life and his agenda that most times my efforts don't even show up on his radar. and i guess the feeling that i'm not acknowledged for my progress stings a bit. it's not like i need to be treated with kid gloves, but a little positive reinforcement about the steps i'm making would mean a lot. but it seems he doesn't even have time for that. and i just have to accept it for now. it won't always be high stress, selfish matt to contend with. and if it is, well, i don't need to hang around for it anyway.

i have faith, though. faith in myself, in my ability to adapt and learn. faith in matt, that he has the strength and the insight to grow in the way he needs. faith and hope and trust in the universe that the plan will unfold in its own time.

i need to listen and meditate on what i need to do. dig down deep and listen to what my core is telling me is the right path. learn patience, hone self control, let go and trust by faith. "leap, and the net will appear."

Life's a pudding full of plums;
Care's a canker that benumbs,
Wherefore waste our elocution
On impossible solution?
Life's a pleasant institution,
Let us take it as it comes!"

-W.S. Gilbert

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL