i had such an upsetting dream last night. a nightmare. and it's haunting me into the daylight. i'm trying my best to shake it off. i was at some sort of party and an asshole from highschool was there. no one i ever was involved with but who always had a nice way of saying lame things. and i was looking for matt. and this asshole goes, oh, he's up there, with his girlfriend. so i walk up the hill which kinda looked like the top of solano but a narrower street. and low and behold he was there walking next to a blond who looked like charlotte johansen but mean. and i literally start flying at her. but just as i reach her and i'm hovering a few heads above her, she grabs me with one arm and smacks me with the other. and i'm brought down. and matt, with a shaved head, looking as he did the day he met me, says nothing to me but gives me a sad look. and reprimands his girlfriend for smacking me. she of course, is trying to blame it on me, that i attacked her. and then that portion of the dream ends in a smeared feeling of intense betrayal and i'm drowning in it.

and i know it's just a dream, and basically just a manifestation of one of my worst fears at the moment.

and i'm trying to shake the feeling. and baby boy says to me, mommy don't cry, as he watches his disney cartoon.

but oh golly gee damn! this is one of the hardest things for me to get through. because i want to push through the pain. i don't want to throw the towel in like i have with everything else in my life when things got too hard. it is too important to me to do that. yes, dammit, as much as i'd like it if he didn't have such a significance on my life and i could walk away, i can't. he's in my heart.

it is not just the silly dream of needing "someone" to marry. i love THIS man.

and that's fine that he can't commit right now. because i suppose i need a few years of me time too. but it is still hard, nonetheless. at least nightmares fade as the day goes on. and THEY ARE NOT REAL. god, it's like i'm six with a monster living under my bed that i'm petrified of. grrr.

oh and i just started my moon and i have to go to my freaking dads house and i'll probably have to go to church tomorrow. but baby boy and i will stop at valley fair on the way down and i'll go to sephora and buy myself something girlie and nice. and momentarily, it will make me feel better.

alright then, fine. i'm off to take a shower. by myself. which is a wonderful thing when usually i have a 3 year old accompanying me each day.

and i'll wash my hair, and clear my head, and get on with the day which is sunny and warm and not deserving of my fear. the monster under my bed is not real.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL