once baby boy goes home i'm imposing a self mandated hiatus from all things matt. preferably for the duration of baby boy's absence.

i'm sick of this bullshit. i'm sick of my bullshit. i'm sick and fucking tired of being like this. the fact of the matter is i need to get laid. the fact of the matter is i need to move on. the fact of the matter is i need to do my own thing. fuck him. fuck our "relationship". it is obviously a fucking farce. i was obviously fooling myself about the whole goddamn thing. love is a bunch of bullshit. i want to forget all of it. i want to renounce him and every dream i ever pinned on him. i want to take my heart and throw it to the bottom of the sea. because i love him still. and he's got his fucking house and his fucking band. and all his wonderful independent man bullshit to keep him occupied. i am in the way. i am an unneccessary burden. he has hurt me more than anyone in my life has hurt me before. he was part of my heart. and it makes me sick because he is still. and i cannot cut him out!!! i want to beat it out of myself.

he just doesn't have time for me. what a fucking asshole. that is not love. that is not how you treat people that you spent years promising things to. he is putting his own selfish aims above me. and doesn't care how much i'm fucking hurting because of it. doesn't fucking get the degree to which this goes. his material aims take priority over me when i gave everything.

i hate him. i curse him. may he never find another love. may he never find happiness with a woman agian.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. i hate everything right now and i am so close to the edge. i am at that precipice and there is not a damn thing that anyone can do because no one knows and further more no one cares. i'm here alone and can't do a damn thing about it because baby boy is here. and everyone's advice would be to straighten the fuck up. but that is easier said than down when one is dying inside. again and again and again. i want to mark this pain on my flesh. i want someone to hold me and say it will be alright.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL