i woke up this morning to, "mommy, you smell wonderful." do i? like what? "like mushrooms...yummy." after which baby boy proceeded to "eat" my forhead. then he decided that maybe i didn't taste so good so he coughed up my forhead and patted it back onto my face.

i came home early yesterday. around noon. had a horrible bout of tummy problems and slept the afternoon in a xanax haze.

i'm staying home today as well. baby boy was going to hang out with me but he decided it would be more fun to go to school. i don't blame him.

i think i will sleep some more today. perhaps read. i finally finished "High Fidelity", which was okay. it would have been more enjoyable had i read it all in a week rather than stringing it out over the course of three months.

i've sort of been thinking that i'm done with the whole, "i've been dumped, woe is me" campaign. it's sickening, literally. and no fun. and why bother when I still get to be pals with said dumper. plus, when i really take a close look at myself...i don't want to get married right now anyway. i don't even want a boyfriend. i don't even particularly care to carry on any sort of "relationship" no matter how casual. i met this hot guy at the gas station of all places, and he's called, but i couldn't be arsed to call and set up a time to go out with him. i'm tired. i'm busy. i'd rather sleep.

and sure, i'd like to settle down. but when i picture it in my mind i'm softer and have long, slightly grey hair. i have a good, possibly, 15 years until i'll have grey hair, if i take after my parents.

and when i actually imagine this older, settled self, there isn't actually a man standing next to me in the picture. it's me in front of a house in mendocino, farm-like, with chickens, and my kids.

i'd probably be quite chuffed just to be independently wealthy, sans man, with all my kiddos around, and maybe some of my girlfriends or aunties to help out. Queen of my own kingdom.

ahhh...but how do I find this far off state called, "independently wealthy"? hhmm, have yet to figure that one out. maybe this modelling thing will pan out. maybe i'll inherit something. maybe i'll marry an old codger who will quickly write me into his will and then just as quickly kick off. ermmm, nah, i don't think so.

at any rate...the old M+J dream has got to take off. in it's current/past rendition anyway. it has been quite some time that i've really felt it. i've just kind of been hanging on because the despair felt comfortable and i didn't really have any other schema to replace it. sure i miss "us". but baby, it ain't happenin'. not any time soon.

so...proud amazon warrior, i am. standing on my own. doing what i want to do. onward and upward. here we go...

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL