and the fact of the matter is...olive juice. but i don't dare risk the thread of friendship we've formed since. so i just quietly take what i can get. and keep my distance as you keep yours. and focus on my career or life or whatever the hell it is. and try not to be miserable without you. and usually i am not. but i am still grieving over our loss. but it still feels like i'm going through the motions. of "having fun" and "being independent" and yada yada yada. and I am and it's fine. but it gets kind of old. and i still want you. i still want us. and i will always, because of phantom rainbows and butterflies on the ceiling and deep deep roots. and i am not living in a dream world. i'm just trying to get by. so we have our seperate lives. and so it is. and there we have it. but i've traded one sadness for another. when i had you i did not have myself. and now that i have myself i do not have you. i want both. i want balance. but you changed your mind. and now i don't even know if what you tell me is truth or simply words to shield your own heart. you've set up the distance and it's one i cannot cross. and dammit, i don't want anyone else! don't you understand, you are not just some random person to love. you are my best friend. you are you, and with all your craziness and loudness and madness i still love you. but i must be content to walk alone. for this is the time for setting out into the desert, emerging anew.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL