So there now. it is raining and such and I got a raise today. my, i don't have the time. but i did write last night a bit. tho' my dsl is STILL down. the bastards. i would like to express many things, but now is not the time. i was misguided by blustery weather and gaddam consumerist "holidays". What a riot. What a riot. But things are better left clarified and not lingering. The rain is still coming down and what I wouldn't give for a cigarette. Or my family back. But these things happen. People coming and going as they always do. They are still there, just in other forms. I am not nearly as eloquent in the afternoon as I am late at night when my owls hoot and the wind chimes tinkle. Never shall I put my hopes on a wink and a smile. My what a pretty face darling. Can you spare some change? Not for you. Not for you. It's all mine now. I'm all mine. Getting on with this growing up. How the pains stifle. How I'd love a rifle. Not really, but it rhymes, so ain't that quaint. :) Words, phrase, images, references; all signify, all resemble, all create a cipher. Little now, little nothing. Now and then I'd like to hide, and tremble in the shallows. But why does it always seem like there is someone looking? And I expect it, and I hate it. Altogether feeding off and loathing it. What are you looking at? I don't want to acknowledge the knowledge that I know in my heart. I don't want to know if you do or don't. Love me. As a friend, as a lover. Because I am too much to handle. I don't want to know any of it. Not now, maybe never. I didn't want to think about this. And I still don't. Better to erase it completely then linger on the remnants. Just as you'd do. I'm sure of it. Busy busy, aren't we so busy. Too busy to shudder, or speak, certainly not feel this. We are above such things. No one means anything. Always a random, always a gypsy. Always abandon. Stop short and pick up roots. Before. Before. Before. Before.
But I'll not give up on love. Not because of you. You don't have the power to take that from me. I do though. And I will take my love and throw it to the bottom of the stormy sea. And it will be long, long, long till it comes to surface. With you? Not even a question. Even that has been pried from my grubbby hand. But somewhere, someone, or no one at all.
I want to say to all you dastardly devils...I am mine and mine alone. I will not share. Least not today. And I hate love. And I hate you. And I love you. And I want you. But I hate you. Because you don't want me. But I don't hate you really, I hate the rejection. And tho' it's you it's me too. But you'll never worry about all the worries that I'll never unload. This is the last time...so she says.
Last Five treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006 need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005 where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005 save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005 nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005
