can you feel it? this desperation? this total and utter sense of loss. here...where my lungs are, constricting the airways. pulling at my neck, the tension in my shoulders. the tears in my eyes burning. they want to spill over but i hold them back. too proud. to reach out. bah. i need no one. and yet i need someone. altogether hating the need yet needing it so. like air to breathe. to share. to smile. to love. to hold.

but it's just me here. trying to let go and get to sleep. i can't understand why i can't sleep. why i sometimes won't eat. why i need to take pills. all to try and sate this need. none of it works. none of you.

this is me at my weakest. this is me at my breaking point. if i didn't have to go to work tomorrow i wouldn't.

now i am tearful and need big tissues. my eyes are red but at least my hair looks good. sipping on my luke warm sleepy time tea with valerian and chamomile. took some kava kava and a xanax. my, aren't we adventurous these days. i suppose it's much smarter a course of treatment than downing a bottle of trazadone.

day by day. day by day.

at some point this typing will cease to make sense. if we're lucky i'll pass out on the keyboard and it'll make a lovely pattern of letters for me to chuckle over later. but one xanax and some herbs aren't going to provide such a thrilling display. besides i have to go to work in the morning.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL