from 9.3

How ridiculous it must all seem. The ranting silence in my head. Not enough it says. Too much business to think. Some like it this way. Free flow up against the regiment. But boys for pele unlocks the door. A key, a key. Swallowed and out of sight. Lucky may. Lucky me. Night & Day. Harmonize. I'm falling in love with this album again. What does it all mean? Easy breath. Wrapped up in sweet blood. Cocoon. Grounded. (?) Strange for that. Getting sleepy. Must write. Must read. Feed the soul, fight the malnourishment. Taylor tailor tea time tendrils terrycloth.

Looking back on fifteen. Eight years. Eight years of this. 8. The numbers don't match up in my head. I cannot rationalize the passing of time. The lines blur. The seams cross. My world's been turned upside down sideways inside backward. What do I make of me? Now? In what order? What is the formula? Just do, don't look, accept and move forward. Has that been my problem. Too much analyzation? Disbelief. This is a lie. Emphatically so. Creep creep creep, under the stairs. Latent. Perplexe my Lexi, perplexe. I'll have none of it.

____ ____

from 9.6

Does it really matter, the day? The numbers that contain us. Who can be sure of anything. My madness wants out somehow but is beat back. Tame her. Kept in check - I look out behind the bars. It is a prison of my own creation. Brick by brick I built the walls that contain me. Day by day I know not if I am in or out. If it is a solace or an oubliette. I am reluctant to assimilate. But the facts, the facts prove I am better off within this. Nothing is certain, nothing can be trusted. I am tired and doubting. Pouring forth my woes rather than holding them within. A step in the right direction I suppose. Ahh, but it all depends on which side is up on any given day.

___ ___

Sunday

Blah. I hesitate. Smirch. Things just so. Patterns. Time. Repetition. Make us feel safe and contained. The rules. This, this and this. Safety in numbers. Mystical meanings. Seven heaven. 13 death. The WAY things look and feel determine whether we are "safe". The organization and structure are my totems.//Straighten up and fly right. Stop being such a sulky teenager! Eat something! Get some sleep!!

___ ___

9.9

Defenestration - the art [act] of throwing someone [ore something] out the [a] window.

What can you really tell about a person?

Collect all the collection. The baggage cleared out. I save and keep and hold back.

In the epic words of Madonna (ha, ha) "express yourself, don't oppress yourself."

Andrea Ca*****. Graham Pl***
Barbie and Ken.
Blond versus Brunette.
girls against boys.
mommy versus daddy
Dreams. Recurring dreams. Graham, always graham. And now this one, so vivid, of Andrea.
Rejection/Beauty/Attraction/Ideals/Perfection/Partners/Jealousy/Hatred/Love/Obsession/Ownership/Youth/Desire.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL