well, i do feel a bit of an ass. matt sent me an email which i didn't get which would have pre-empted me from getting into such a state. he really is strong and must care about our friendship or he wouldn't be making such efforts. now it's my time to do some work. and more consistently. and when things get out of hand I can write him. this feels exceedingly better than the whole "don't bring that shit into my life or else". which of course is my paraphrasing, but that's how it felt.

so moving on. to a brighter day and healthier times.

at my meeting it was so clear how closely related my eating disorder has been to this self destructiveness around matt. the source is the same. they have both been used as coping mechanisms. the bad guys way of keeping me a prisoner from my happiness. and the more steps i make in the right direction the more it tries to keep its claws in me. but i beat my demons before and made the distinct decision years ago to stop trying to kill myself, to stop making myself sick. i took my power back from the beast and was successful (apart from the occasional relapse which is just human nature). if i was able to beat it back at a time when i was sick and suicidal and in and out of ED units and rehab places, then I can do it now too. I had the strength to pull myself out of the depths then. i have the strength to do it now. And once i take these behaviors away there is still a lot of work to be done. Because these self destructive mechanisms are there so i don't have to deal with the real issues i need to be facing. when i peel back the layers i get to the quick of the matter. finding my happiness and allowing myself to have it. because i am worthy of it. i do deserve it. and no bully inside myself is going to convince me otherwise. that guy is on his way out whether he likes it or not.

---

Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL