sephora was a success. i came away with dandelion, by benefit, a shimmery pink face powder, body so fine body balm, also by benefit, it shimmers and leaves your skin with a soft glow. AND, the best by of them all, Lip Venom. I love this stuff. You put it on and it sets your mouth on fire, almost literally. it's a clear gloss but has somthing in it that stimulates the circulation of your lips and brings blood to the area making them look fuller. i'm addicted to it already. yum.

the weekend on the whole was a success. we dyed easter eggs and had a small hunt. and of course had tons of food and candy. baby boy had easter baskets from 4 different people, including me. of course, though, mine was the best. filled with godiva chocolate and spider man jammie bottoms. why, one might ask, does a three year old need godiva chocolate? ha...cause his mamma does. he's had maybe one or two pieces. i'm saving the rest for myself.

the low point of the weekend was having to watch fox news this morning because chuck HAD to watch it. loverly. bleh.

other than that it was great. i even got an easter basket. it had in it legally blond 2, hello kitty socks, and a trader joe's gift certificate. snaps!

baby boy and i have had way too much sugar today, the both of us. he finally melted down around three o'clock. home now and watching alice and wonderland (again) i think i will smoke a bowl and chill out. tomorrow, after all, is monday.

i'll pick up the film walt shot tomorrow, hopefully there will be some decent images.

and i have an appointment with a fizzy sykyatrist. i'm going to convince him i have a.d.d., which shouldn't be too hard since it's probably pretty close to the truth. hook me up with some adderall. and adjust my other meds while he's at it. shit, i hate this society. i hate sitting at a desk all day. i hate that there are companies that are in business, making money off tweaking my brain chemistry. but for the moment i'll give in to the tide. medicate the fuck out of me so i can get through the drudgery of my days; stapeling and collating and copying and answering the phone, "blahbeddy blahdy blah" one more time.

okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. maybe just throw some legal stimulants my way to help me "focus".

sure, maybe it will be a bit of a bandaid on the larger problem of not being satisfied with my lot and always wanting more. but maybe it'll jump start my ass in the right direction.

fuck it, medication will not save me or damn me. it just is what it is for now. a tool, a means to an end. a temporary fix.

and really, what is wrong with wanting to be somewhere better than i am? to have more than what i do? if i just sat around and moped about it (which i often do) it would not be so great. but usually i get to a point when the complacency becomes too much and i make some changes in a major way.

i never seem to do things by measure. it usually seems to be all at once. making something happen. getting an idea and sticking with it until it ends up exactly as i see it. it's happened that way the last two times i've needed to move. it's happened that way when i've needed jobs or money. and it happened that way with modeling.

i remember sitting on my mom's boat at christmas, with nothing more than the thought of giving "that modeling thing" a shot and seeing what panned out. i spent the rest of the week on the boat, vigorously researching agencies, taking shitty pictures of myself with a shitty digital camera.

and now here i am, four months later, two agencies at my door, a fairly decent body of work put together, and my cheezey smile on the cover of a catalog.

pretty damn good.

i know what i want and i make it happen. sure, sometimes i lose sight of what it is i actually want, or what i'm working towards - but that's just human nature. without that i'd be a freaking robot.

so here's to making things happen.

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Last Five
treasure - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2006
need - Sunday, May. 22, 2005
where is here - Friday, May. 13, 2005
save me. - Monday, May. 09, 2005
nonsense - Sunday, May. 01, 2005

ALL